So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Please don't give away my fajitas
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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