News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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