Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
