I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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