meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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