you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
