I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm getting married
To pizza
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
