you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
