im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
