rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What a dumb baby whore.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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