he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
