true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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