Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
