Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
