Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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