He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
