mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
