Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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