literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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