I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
