if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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