did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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