Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
