you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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