he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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