He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
