I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
