We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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