Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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