The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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