No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
