just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
