Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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