Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
