Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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