we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
