Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
