Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
