I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
