I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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