I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
