It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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