He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
