Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
