My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
