Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
