Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
