Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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