i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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