first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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